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Brannigan, Begin Again/Transcript
['''Scene': Planet Express Ship. Fry and Bender play a futuristic version of chess. The pieces are holograms and include an Omicronian, a Trisolian, a Blob, a Amphibiosan and a Decapodian.]'' Fry: Hmm. Horsey to pointy guy six. knight charges at the bishop and the bishop batters it to the ground with his crook. The horse pulls out a dagger, stabs the bishop and kicks him off the game board. Fry chuckles and reclines in his seat. Check. Bender: Hmm. Get him, boys! :screams as Bender's pieces leap off the board and knock him to the floor and beat him up. Fry: hoarse Good move. :Credits. Not Y3K Compliant. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Fry lies on the couch next to Bender and Leela leans against the wall reading Cosmopolitan. The door opens.]'' Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. walks in behind him carrying a package. We have a mission to further the noble cause of intergalactic peace. Bender: Nope. Watching cartoons. Fry: Sorry. :tips them off the couch. Leela: What's the mission? Farnsworth: It's a delivery for the Democratic Order Of Planets. :points at the label on the package that says "[[DOOP]". Fry looks at it.] Fry: DOOP? What's that? Farnsworth: It's similar to the United Nations from your time, Fry. Fry: Uh... Hermes: Or like the Federation from your Star Trek programme. Fry: it Oh! Farnsworth: Tonight is the ribbon-cutting for the DOOP's new headquarters. Leela: What are we delivering? Farnsworth: Something without which no ribbon-cutting ceremony could proceed. The ceremonial oversized scissors. :takes them out of the box and Leela takes them from him. Leela: We'll get them there as quickly as we can. Farnsworth: Alright, but don't run with them. :['''Scene': The Planet Express ship flies towards the ultra-modern new DOOP space station located in the Neutral Zone and docks.]'' :['''Scene': New DOOP Headquarters. The crew walk into the huge reception area.]'' Fry: Wow! There's a million aliens. I've never seen anything so mind-blowing. Ooh, a reception table with muffins! :runs across the room. Glab, an Amphibiosan, stands at a podium. A grey man dressed in grey and an orange DOOP sash stands behind her. Glab: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the DOOP's magnificent new headquarters. A fitting home for an organisation that has fostered peace throughout the universe. Even between the Insectoids and the Space Lizards. :spotlight falls on a Space Lizard who is eating an Insectoid. He spits out the Insectoid and shakes it's hand. Everyone applauds. At the bar, Fry picks at a muffin and chats up someone. Fry: So, what's it like on planet Amazonia? :woman is a huge ten-foot tall Neanderthal wearing leopard-skin and carrying a club. Amazonian: Big rats there. Me crush with club. Fry: That's so interesting. Maybe we could get to know each other over a coffee. Glab: I can think of no better place for this centre of diplomacy than here in orbit around the Neutral Planet. turns to the grey man. What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness? Neutral President: I have no strong feelings one way or the other. :cheers, except one man. Zapp: I hate these filthy Neutrals, Kif. With enemies you know where they stand but with Neutrals, who knows? It sickens me. sighs. Fry, Leela and Bender walk past with the scissors and Zapp stops them. Halt. gasp. Why, Leela, I do believe we've met. Bender: whispering He means you guys did it. Leela: If you don't mind, we're here to deliver the scissors for the ribbon-cutting. Zapp: Then you're under arrest. :snatches the scissors away. Leela: What for? Zapp: How do I know these scissors aren't part of some Neutral plot? Leela: But they're not even sharp. Who could I possibly hurt with them? Zapp: The Yarn People of Nylar 4? points at the pink creatures made of yarn. So, a plan to assassinate a weird-looking alien with scissors. How very Neutral of you. Leela: What? Zapp: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. sighs. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock. Kif: Why? :stares at Leela. Zapp: So beautiful, yet so neutral. grabs her arms and handcuffs them behind her back. Drag them to the ship. Glab: And now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary DOOP captain who just returned from a triumphant carpet-bombing of Eden 7, Zapp Brannigan. :applauds and looks around in confusion. Zapp has gone. :['''Scene': The Nimbus. It has moved away from the headquarters. Leela, Fry and Bender are handcuffed on the deserted bridge. Zapp paces around.]'' Zapp: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality? :points at the reception area on the viewscreen. Kif: Um, sir, you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now. Zapp: No matter. I'll simply cut it from here with the ship's laser. :presses a button and a console comes out of the floor. Outside the ship a huge laser appears from a hatch. Kif: Sir, I don't think that's wise. Zapp: Kif, if there's one thing I don't need it's your I-don't-think-that's-wise attitude. :grabs a handle on the console and moves it through Stun, Kill and Hyperdeath™. He presses the "Fire" button and shoots a laser beam towards the space station. :['''Cut to': New DOOP Headquarters. The laser cuts the ribbon and everyone applauds. The laser carries on cutting and cuts a huge stone statue of Glab in half. Everyone gasps. The laser carries on cutting and everyone stands gobsmacked. The station starts rumbling and explodes. The reception area breaks off and hurtles off into space with everyone still screaming.]'' :['''Cut to': Nimbus Bridge.]'' Zapp: Whoopsie-daisy! :['''Scene': Former DOOP Headquarters. The building in Weehauken, New Jersey, is a ruin with boarded-up windows and cracks in the walls. The DOOP representatives are gathered for Zapp's trial, which Glab presides over. She bangs her gavel.]'' Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you stand accused of blowing up DOOP headquarters. How do you plead? Zapp: Absolutely 99% not guilty. Glab: Then the prosecutor will call his first witness. :prosecutor is a giant, green chicken with tiny glasses perched on his beak. He stands up and speaks with a strong Southern American accent. Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, I'm just a simple Hyper-Chicken from a backwoods asteroid but if it please the court I reckon I'll call the entire jury. :gasps and murmurs. Glab: I'm going to allow this. Hyper-Chicken: Members of the jury ... pecks the floor. ... did y'all happen to catch a gander at who blew up that there DOOP headquarters? :point at Zapp. Juror #1: simultaneous That's the guy, right there. Juror #2: simultaneous Oh, yeah, right there. Small Glurmo #1: simultaneous That one. Hyper-Chicken: And are y'all gonna vote to convict him? Neptunian: simultaneous You'd better believe it. Juror #1: simultaneous You bet. :bangs her gavel. Glab: The jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony. Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, the prosecution rests. :clucks and covers his face with his wing. Glab: The evidence against Zapp Brannigan is strong. However, in light of his years of service, and the incompetence of this hillbilly prosecutor, I'm afraid I must dismiss all charges. :crowd murmurs. Leela: Dismiss all charges? Your Honour, I know the case is closed and you've rendered your verdict, but I wanna testify. Glab: I'm going to allow this. :Lapse. Leela sits in the witness box. Hyper-Chicken: Now, Miss Leela, on the date in question, were you or were you not wearing a hoop skirt? Leela: That's a stupid question. What matters is Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain I've ever seen, and I saw the idiot blow up DOOP headquarters with my own eye. :crowd gasps. Zapp stands up. Zapp: I'd like to cross-examine the witness. Glab: I'm going to allow this. :paces past Leela. Zapp: We've met before have we not? Leela: reluctantly Yes. Zapp: And on that occasion, did you have sex with someone? May I remind you you are still under oath. :sighs. Leela: reluctantly Yes. Zapp: Please point out the person in this courtroom you had sex with. points at him and Fry hoots. And his name is? Leela: Zapp Brannigan. Zapp: The very same Zapp Brannigan who did not blow up DOOP headquarters. I rest my case. Glab: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may begin your deliberations. :jury files out through one door and returns immediately through another. Small Glurmo #1 is the foreman. Small Glurmo #1: Your Honour, we have reached a verdict. We find the defendant ... guilty. :hoots. Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP. :cries as he turns and walks towards the door. He stops before he reaches it and turns to the court. Zapp: I'd like to make one final statement. Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag. scurries past him and holds up the DOOP flag behind him. And wave it a little, for God's sakes. My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault. :drops the flag. Kif: What? Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged. :stammers and sighs. :['''Scene': Outside Former DOOP Headquarters. Zapp and Kif emerge from the building in civilian clothes.]'' Zapp: One day a man has everything, the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station and the next day he has nothing. It makes you think. Kif: No, it doesn't. Zapp: Come, Kif, it's time to begin our life as civilians. walks off and Kif doesn't follow. That's an order, soldier. :reluctantly follows. :['''Montage': Zapp and Kif wander through the streets of New New York to Harry Nilsson's Everybody's Talkin' à la Midnight Cowboy. They stare into the window of a cafe and watch people eating then turn to passers-by on the street. Kif starts to dance and Zapp holds up a pot which passers by drop money into. Later that night, Zapp stands on a street corner and a limo pulls up. The window goes down and Zapp winks and offers himself to Hattie. She shakes her head and points at Kif. Kif gasps and Zapp ushers him into the car. The door closes and it speeds off.]'' :['''Scene': Planet Express: Hangar. Fry and Bender wash the ship.]'' Fry: Hey, Bender? Bender: Yeah? :squirts him with the hose and he giggles and throws his sponge at Fry, who ducks. The sponge flies over his head and hits Leela in the face. Leela: Alright, this is the third hose fight I've broken up today and the second one using actual hoses. Now move your lazy asses and start scrubbing the ship like I ordered you to. Fry: You don't have to get so mad, Leela. Bender: Yeah, Fry already wiped off some of the dirt with his finger. :points at a doodle Fry has done of Leela and a speech bubble with "Yak Yak Yak" in it. Leela growls. The doorbell rings and she goes to answer. :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Entrance. She opens the door to a down-and-out Zapp and Kif.]'' Leela: Zapp? Zapp: Leela, I didn't know where else to turn. You're the only woman who ever loved me. Leela: I never loved you. Zapp: I mean physically. Leela: What do you want? Zapp: Just let me work for a little food. Perhaps I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors. Leela: You don't know how to do any of those things. Zapp: Kif might. :prepares to press the slam button when Farnsworth turns up. Farnsworth: Leela, who are you talking to? Zapp: Just a broken-down hobo who's hit rock-bottom. And his commanding officer. Farnsworth: Why, you're that disgraced starship captain. turns to Leela. Having him on staff will distract people from our horrendous safety record. turns back to Zapp and Kif. Come in. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zapp and Kif join the staff around the table.]'' Farnsworth: I'd like everyone to meet our new employees. leans over to Hermes. whispering Which ones are new? Hermes: The green dude and the fat man. Farnsworth: Hmm, I could swear I've never seen that robot before either. Bender: I'm Bender. You know? The lovable rascal. Farnsworth: Oh, yes, yes. My good friend, of course. turns to Hermes and shrugs. Anyway, whoever you all are, I have good news. You'll be making a delivery to Stumbos 4, a planet with such high gravity you'll most likely be crushed under the weight of your own hair. Enjoy! :['''Scene': The ship flies towards the green planet.]'' :['''Cut to': ship's Cargo Bay. Zapp peers around the doorway and watches Leela pilot the ship. He turns away and the door closes.]'' Zapp: So, this Leela. I know she's a very sensuous woman but what manner of captain is she? Fry: She's really strict. Bender: And mean. Zapp: I see. Does she by any chance give the crewmembers spankings? Fry: No, she just makes us do work and stuff. Zapp: Good, good. But should she ever institute some sort of bare-bottom spanking policy, let me go in your place. I won't have my comrades harmed. Bender: Hey, this guy's alright! :takes some bottles of [[LöBrau Beer] out of his chest cabinet and passes them around.] Zapp: Here's to us poor schmoes working for the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man. :guzzle down the beers. :['''Scene': The ship goes into orbit around the planet.]'' :['''Cut to': ship's Cockpit. Kif stands next to Leela.]'' Kif: I've computed out landing co-ordinates, Captain. Leela: Thanks, Kif. Very nice work. :sighs then stops. Kif: Wait, what? Leela: I said "very nice work". Kif: This is the happiest day of my life. :hugs her. :['''Scene': Stumbos 4. The ship lands and the landing gear creaks and groans under the immense gravity.]'' :['''Cut to': ship's Cargo Bay. Leela has assembled Fry, Bender and Zapp and holds a clipboard.]'' Leela: OK, crew, listen up. Your job is to delivery these 40 pillows to that hotel. :points through the window at a hotel on a hill. Bender holds a pillow. Bender: They're not very heavy but you don't hear me not complaining. Leela: They're not heavy in here because we have an anti-grav pump. But once you get out on the surface the gravity will be very intense. Fry: Hey, no prob', this lead apron'll protect me. :rips it off him. Leela: I don't want any screw-ups. Use the hover-dolly and just deliver one pillow at a time. :leaves. Bender: Hey, here's an idea, let's deliver all the pillows at once. Fry: Yeah! Zapp: That's using the old noodle! :['''Scene': Stumbos 4 Surface. The cargo lift comes down and Zapp pushes the hover-dolly off it with all the pillows on it. The three are hit by the high gravity. Bender struggles to stay upright but his legs are crushed under him. Fry tries as well but his legs buckle. Zapp struggles too.]'' Zapp: Come on, girdle. Hold! :girdle breaks and his huge flabby gut spills out from under his sweatshirt. He groans. So does the hover-dolly. Then it breaks. Bender: Uh-oh. :and Kif walk down the ship's steps. Her hair is pushed flat and Kif is squished. Leela: What the hell happened? Bender: Some breaking occurred, the dolly was involved, that's about all we know. Leela: I told you dumb apes not to overload it. Each of those pillows weighs 150lbs here. Fry: Alright, don't get your panties in a knot. We'll just use the back-up dolly. Bender: I'll start loading up the pillows. Leela: No way, Jack. You disobeyed an order, so now you have to deliver all 40 pillows by hand. Zapp: Let me ask you a serious question, Leela: Does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well? I ask because a friend of mine... Leela: Just get to work. :Lapse. Fry, Zapp and Bender drag the pillows across the surface, leaving huge furrows in the ground. Bender: mocking I'm Leela, get to work, neh, neh, neh. Fry: I agree. :['''Scene': ship's Cockpit. Leela looks bored stiff listening to Kif.]'' Kif: The point is, it's just so humiliating working for that man. Once, he actually ordered me to ... shave his armpits while he was in the bathtub. So, I said-- Leela: Y'know, why don't we talk about something besides Zapp for a while? Kif: Oh, alright. Um ... well ... how 'bout then, um... OK, well, there he was in the tub, alright? :sighs. :['''Scene': Stumbos 4. Zapp, Fry and Bender continue the delivery. They struggle and stop. Thunder cracks above.]'' Fry: Ah, some good old high-gravity rain. That'll cool us off. :holds his tongue out and the heavy rain knocks him to the ground. They crawl under a rock out of the rain. Bender: This is all Leela's fault. Fry: Yeah. If she had let us use the back-up dolly, we could have broken it, given up and gone home by now. Zapp: Y'know, boys, a good captain needs many skills, such as boldness, daring and a velour uniform. And I'm not convinced Leela has any of those things. Fry: Ah, Leela's not that bad. I just wish she didn't make us work so much. Zapp: Back when I was captain all I asked from my men was their complete loyalty. If I had that, then for all I cared they could sit around the whole day drinking beer in their underpants. Bender: Beer? Fry: Underpants? :and Bender look at each other and grin. :['''Scene': ship's Cockpit.]'' Kif: But now, Zapp's not captain anymore. I'm free! laughs. Oh, you hear that? I'm actually laughing! :Zapp, Fry and Bender. Fry: This is a mutiny. :sighs. Bender: You're outta here, lady. Zapp's the new captain. :handcuffs Leela. Fry already has his shirt off and raises a beer. Fry: All hail the new captain. :unzips his trousers and lets them fall down. :['''Scene': The ship speeds away from Stumbos 4.]'' :['''Cut to': ship's Cockpit. Zapp sits in the pilot's seat.]'' Zapp: Leela, you might be a formidable do-er of the nasty but I am forced to relieve you of your post. Leela: On what grounds, you slobbering oaf? Zapp: Failure to prevent a mutiny. Throw her in the brig. Fry: We don't have a brig. Zapp: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig". :['''Scene': ship's Laundry Room. Bender and Fry lead Leela inside.]'' Leela: You really don't want me to be captain anymore? Bender: You got it, genius. Leela: But, didn't I do a good job? Fry: You were mean and you yelled and you made us do all that work. Leela: Sometimes a captain needs to do those things. Besides I, I thought we were friends. Fry: Yeah, well, you shouldn't have been such a mean captain then. :turns and leaves. Bender: Don't worry, Leela. Soon we'll be able to look back on this and laugh. :walks out, looks back and laughs insanely. :['''Cut to': ship's Cockpit. Fry and Bender return. Zapp wears his DOOP uniform.]'' Zapp: Back in my old uniform, and it nearly still fits. Even after all that fattening hobo cuisine. :back in his uniform too, holds up Zapp's other clothes. Kif: What shall I do with your civilian clothes, sir? Zapp: Take them to the laundry-brig. leaves. Zapp turns to Fry and Bender. So, do I have your loyalty, men? Bender: saluting To the ends of the universe. Fry: Ten hundred percent! Zapp: That's not nearly loyal enough. I order you to sit around and drink beer until you're as loyal as Kif here. :hands them some beers and Kif returns. Bender: Yes, sir, sir! Kif: Um, may I have a beer, sir? Zapp: No. You're loyal enough already. Meanwhile, I have a plan. We will single-handedly attack our archenemy the Neutral Planet. Kif: Oh, jeez. Zapp: Once the neutral war machine lies in ruins, I'll be a hero again and the DOOP will reinstate me as captain. Kif: But, sir, that plan makes no sense. Zapp: Maybe not to you, Kif, but if I recall correctly, you were court-martialled in disgrace. Fry: Ooh, burn! Bender: Nailed you, buddy! :clink their bottles. :['''Scene': The Planet Express ship flies towards the neutrally grey Neutral Planet.]'' :['''Cut to': ship's Cockpit. Zapp is in the pilot's seat and Fry and Bender man their stations.]'' Zapp: Prepare to continue the epic struggle between good and neutral. Fry: This is awesome! We're gonna be like pow-pow-pow, and they're gonna be like ... screams and makes explosion noises. ... and then we'll have pancakes to celebrate and I'll be like... :makes pancake-eating noises. Zapp: Precisely. Now, in the name of all that is good and honourable, we'll call the Neutral President with a message of peace, then blast him. Bender: saluting Yes, sir, sirdy-sir-sir-sir! Zapp: Fly the white flag of war. :['''Scene': The white flag is hoisted on a flagpole atop the ship's laser turret.]'' :['''Scene': Neutral Capitol. The Neutral headquarters, located in Neutropolis, bears the motto "Live Free Or Don't". The Neutral President's office is quite small and decorated with various shades of grey. He sits at his desk and an aide stands next to him. Zapp is on a large wall screen.]'' Zapp: screen This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come swinging the olive branch of peace. Neutral President's Aide: Should we trust him, Your Neutralness? Neutral President: All I know is my gut says maybe. :['''Cut to': ship's Cockpit. Zapp turns the communication screen off.]'' Bender: What now, chief? Zapp: Now we crash the ship into their headquarters, killing them in a hellish firestorm from which no living thing can escape. Fry: Good, good, then what? Zapp: Then your mission is complete. I, meanwhile, will have ejected to safety, wearing the only spacesuit on board. :and Bender cheer and high-five. Fry: Wait a second. Is this plan gonna kill us? Zapp: Of course. What do you think I meant by "loyalty"? Now help me into the only spacesuit. It looks a bit sweaty in there so you may need to apply baby powder. :['''Scene': ship's Laundry Room. Leela, still handcuffed, folds some sheets while Kif pours some washing powder into a cup. Fry and Bender run in.]'' Fry: Leela, we want you to be captain again. Leela: Let me guess. He cancelled naptime? shake their heads and she puts the folded sheet on top of a pile. He ran out of beer? shake their heads again. So he's about to kill us? :nod. :['''Scene': ship's Cockpit. Zapp is now wearing the spacesuit. Enter Leela, Kif, Fry and Bender.]'' Fry: We want Leela to be captain again. Zapp: So it's mutiny, is it? I never thought I'd see the day. Come, Kif, let's eject. I found a children's spacesuit you can wear. Kif: To be honest, sir, I'd rather stay here with Captain Leela. She actually listens to what I have to-- :shoves the helmet on his head and Zapp puts the suit on him which is decorated with stars and planets. He picks him up using a handle on the back and Kif kicks and mumbles before finally sighing. They leave the room and fly away from the ship. Leela wrestles with the wheel. Leela: Oh, no! He's disabled the steering. look ahead as they get closer to the planet. We're gonna crash! Bender: Leela save me ... and yourself, I guess ... and my banjo. smiles weakly. And Fry. Leela: OK, OK. We have one chance. Are you willing to do what I say as captain? Fry: Absolutely. Leela: Even if I make you work hard? Bender: As your God is my witness. Leela: Then go get the hover-dolly you didn't break and load all the dark matter into the left engine. Bender: Oh, man, that crap's heavy. Fry: And warm. Leela: Just do it. :['''Scene': The ship streaks through the planet's atmosphere and starts to burn up.]'' :['''Cut to': Neutral Capitol. An alarm dings and the aide runs in.]'' Neutral President's Aide: Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert. Neutral President: If I don't survive, tell my wife, "Hello". :['''Scene': ship's Cockpit. Leela turns on the communication screen.]'' Leela: Hurry! I don't wanna die at the age of 25. Bender: screen Honey, unless we hit a time warp, I wouldn't worry about it. :['''Cut to': ship's Engine Room. Fry and Bender pull the dolly towards the left engine.]'' Fry: It's too low. Bender: Quick. :lies underneath the dolly and Fry works him like a car jack, tipping the pellets into the fire. :['''Cut to': Outside Ship. The ship's engine flares up and it turns away from the planet.]'' :['''Scene': ship's Cockpit.]'' Leela: You did it! You actually did it! :and Bender cheer and high-five. Fry: And no one will have to punish anyone for the mutiny. :['''Scene': Former DOOP Headquarters. Everyone is back in the courtroom again.]'' Zapp: And so, when Captain Leela panicked, perhaps distracted by female troubles, my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever I did to save the day. Glab: Captain Leela, is this rambling story of magic and heroism true? Leela: Well, actually-- Farnsworth: whispering That a girl! If they don't take him back we can keep him as captain. :winks at Leela and "click-clicks". She stands up. Leela: Your Honour, it's all true: My female incompetence, Zapp's cat-like reflexes, the stuff that made no sense, all of it. :crowd gasps. Glab: In that case, Zapp Brannigan, I hereby restore your rank and parking privileges. :bangs her gavel and the crowd cheers. Fry hugs Bender and high-fives Leela. Farnsworth: Oh, foo! Zapp: Come, Kif, we've got work to do. :mimes shaving his armpits and tosses Kif the razor. Kif sighs and turns to Leela. Kif: I-I'll call and tell you about it. :sighs. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Hangar. Leela looks over the railings and watches Fry and Bender scrub the ship.]'' Fry: Leela, I just want you to know that even though you're mean, you're the best captain ever. :smiles. Bender: Yeah, you're one dynamite lady. Can we have a week off? Leela: No. Fry: Please? Bender: Come on, Captain. Leela: Oh, alright. :passes behind her. Farnsworth: No time off. Fry: Aw, man. Leela: Let's mutiny! :Credits. Category:Season Two Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts